yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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