Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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