Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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