so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
