me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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