The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
