My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
