I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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