Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
