take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
