why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
