Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
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I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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