Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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