I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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