There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
