I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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