Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
nutella sex= disaster
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
