I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
