I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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