lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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