she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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