"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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