yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
