im drinking this country out of the recession.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
