I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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