Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
