I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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