I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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