I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
