I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
