You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
