M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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