The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
