STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
