While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
