I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
