Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
