I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize