I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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