The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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