Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
