I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
