It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.