and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.