Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.