Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.