im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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