Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
