What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
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We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
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So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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