So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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