hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
