We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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