So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
