two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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