I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
