the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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