I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
