This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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