So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
