I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
