This dress was meant to end up on your floor
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just found puke in my bra..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
