I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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