I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
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I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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